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The Girl Who Wanted to Die



“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” Galatians 5:24 (NIV)

I was young and though my battle with depression was not diagnosed it was intense.  After a difficult day teaching school and a more challenging night coaching volleyball, many thoughts consumed my mind…

Ones like, “I’m not needed.  Somebody else could do what I do better.  I’m a failure.  Nobody listens to me.  The world would be better without me.”

I felt like I wanted to die and then proceeded to make a plan to do just that.  I sat down to write one final entry in my journal and God took advantage of one last opportunity to speak to my heart.  As I scribbled, sobbed and shook a note fell from my journal.

Words from a Mom of one of my former students went straight to my heart.  She thanked me for being a bright spot in her daughter’s life and making a difference.

As I read the encouraging words, I was moved to call for help instead of going on a ride that would end it all.

My parents came to comfort, my Dr. prescribed medicine that helped and close friends offered support, but a couple of months later the real healing began.

I grew up going to church and knew stories from the Bible, but I did not have a relationship with Christ.  God worked in ways that only He can, made Himself real and drew me close.

My desire to die physically was replaced with a longing to put my flesh to death and attempt to live out Galatians 5:24, our key verse for today.  The last thirteen plus years I’ve been attempting to crucify myself so that Christ can live in me.

Accepting Jesus as my Savior and committing my life to Him has changed me, but life still contains struggles, trials and pain.  Though I’ve never again been on the verge of suicide, I have been tempted to give up and have felt like I wanted to quit.  In those moments God often reminds me dying… to self, is good because then He can work in me and through me.  

Friends, when we let go, He can take over!

When you are tempted to quit, feel like you want to give up or think life isn’t worth living take some time and go to God.  Share your thoughts with Him.  Be honest.  Ask questions.  

He’s there, He’s listening and He has the answer.  When you’re through talking be sure to listen… He has something to say as well.

Jesus came so that we may have life… we will experience that life, when we give ours up.  How will you do that today?

Heavenly Father, sometimes life is hard Lord.  In those moments, help us turn to You rather than run from You.  When we feel like we want to die and leave our troubles behind shift our thinking.  Father, we ask for Your help as we die to self and crucify our flesh.  Help us depend on You so that You can work in us and glorify Yourself through us.  Thank You Lord.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

For more encouragement, visit Jill at Titus24U , where you will be encouraged to connect with God and other women.

© 2017 by Jill Beran.  All rights reserved.

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1 Comment

Though I've never been in your place, Jill, I know many women who have. Your story, your vulnerability are so important. And, where you found your ultimate hope and healing is so very significant. We can have family and friends help us through, doctors treat us, and meds that soothe us, but it is only the One True God who ultimately heals the hurt, exposes the lies, and restores the soul-shattering brokenness!! It takes courage to tell your story, and I pray many women find hope and courage to take a step forward into the Light today having read your story.

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