The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Psalm 147:2-4 NIV
The ultrasound confirmed our worst fear. The baby was there, the heartbeat was there, but it was very faint. It was much slower than it should have been and the doctor came in to talk to us.
“I am so sorry to have to tell you this but the baby is not viable for life. You will miscarry within the next few days, or you’ll need to come back into the office at the end of the week to confirm the heartbeat has stopped.”
You could have literally sucked every inch of air out of the room. My throat tightened, the tears formed, and I felt a thousand pounds on my chest. It confirmed every new mom’s worst nightmare.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, we’re sure. You need to go home and wait. We’ll see you in a few days.”
I had waited for a lot of things in my life but they were always with hopeful anticipation like getting my driver’s license, my wedding day, buying our first house, or going on a fun vacation. Talk about the worst waiting I have ever experienced in my life. I had a baby with a beating heart in my tummy, but sometime, somehow over the next few days it would stop.
Would I know? Would I be able to tell when this sweet baby, that we had spent two years praying to conceive, would go from my body into the arms of Jesus?
It was literally almost more than I could bear. There was no other word to describe me or my husband than completely and utterly brokenhearted. And if that weren’t enough, we received this devastating news on our seventh wedding anniversary. This was a day when we should have been celebrating love, our life together, our marriage... instead of being heartbroken, disappointed, and deeply grieving for our baby we were never going to hold in our arms here on earth.
I dealt with a lot of questions that week when I went home. I spent a lot of time crying and yelling at God. I also spent a lot of time in His Word. The verse that came to me was from Jeremiah, aka The Weeping Prophet. Well, at least I was in good company.
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV
I was certainly experiencing a drought and the exhaustion of emotions was like being in a desert with no water. I had a choice.
Did I really believe God was good all the time?
Would I ever be able to bear fruit out of this drought?
Would I continue to place my confidence in Him even though my present circumstances were completely unfair and out of my control?
The roots that saved me were the promises of God’s Word. I trusted that He still loved me. I knew that He was holding me during my grief. I had hope that this baby would be instantly taken from my womb into heaven and if I couldn’t hold this baby here on earth, there was no better arms for my baby to be in than the arms of God.
I believed that somehow, someway He would use these present circumstances to one day give comfort to someone else who would also walk the road of grief and heartbreak.
I do not know where you find yourself today, especially during this month that is dedicated to lovers. But I do know that your True Love, your Maker, your Creator, your Husband is God.
He sent Christ to bind up your broken heart, to proclaim freedom for the captives, to comfort all who mourn, to bestow on your beautiful head a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:1-3)
Today He is giving me the opportunity to use this story of heartbreak to remind you that life does move on. That even in the deepest and most unfair grief, He is there to bind up your broken heart and give you a hope for the future.
We did eventually conceive another baby and gave birth to a healthy baby boy about a year and a half later. He is five now and he loves to play basketball and ride his scooter. He is a constant reminder to us that God hears our prayers and that He has a plan, even when our circumstances are unsure and our hearts are broken.
What verses do you need to bind on the walls of your heart? What Truths do you need to find from Scripture? Write them on your hands, on notecards, and put them anywhere that you will see them. The deeply planted roots of God’s Word will help you face the seasons of drought and allow you to walk in confidence beyond today’s circumstances.
God, would You bind up the brokenhearted who read this today? Would You remind them of the Truth of Your Word and help them root themselves in the deeply planted promises of You? Would You allow them to see the hope of the future and look beyond today’s hurt and disappointment to a place of healing and renewal? Thank You God that You are our One True Love and that You comfort us in whatever season of life we find ourselves in, so that one day we can comfort others.
While I’m Waiting by John Waller