‘Now this is what the Lord says—the one who created you, Jacob, and the one who formed you, Israel— “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and the rivers will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, and the flame will not burn you.”’ Isaiah 43:1-2 CSB

“I have to go to the ER,” my voice faltered. “Ιt is happening again.”

Pain stabbed through my lower left abdomen and traveled up to my shoulder blade. Six months earlier, the pain was on my right side. I knew what was happening. My left fallopian tube had ripped open, and I lost a second baby. Now both of my tubes are damaged. Natural conception was no longer an option. 

This was not how it was supposed to happen. There was no reason either of my sweet babies stayed in my tubes rather than making their way to my womb. The doctors had no reason to suspect there was an issue except for the pain.

My plans and dreams for building my family came to a painful detour. A detour filled with loss, grief, fear, and fertility treatments. However, in the midst of that painful road I never planned to travel, God remained faithful.

He walked with me through the fire of physical pain. He held my head above the waves as my tears nearly drowned me. He let me rage, question, and doubt. He lovingly corrected me, patiently fulfilling His every promise. He brought peace that passed understanding and comfort that no words could convey. 

God’s presence did not miraculously smooth the road of infertility for my husband and me. There were dark nights of doubt, bright days of hope, and so much loss. Yet, His presence sustained us as we faithfully took each step He illuminated. His presence brought joy and confusion during grief. Joy, because I knew He would not waste my tears–He promised to be the God of all comfort. Confusion, because He was able to save my babies and my fertility, but He did not. 

I had to choose to trust despite not understanding. I had to choose to seek His light of hope that seemed to flicker but never failed in the darkness. It was in the darkness I learned to see that God’s goodness is not limited by my hopes or dreams. Instead, His goodness often shines brighter in the darkness of hope deferred.

God allowed the fire to purify me, but not incinerate me. He let the waves drive away dreams that I did not even realize had become a god in my life. And where life made no sense, God gave me the strength to trust Him.

Has life brought you to an unexpected curve in the road? Today, tell God all about it. Write it down, go to a quiet place, and say it out loud. Just let Him know how hard this is, how you do not understand, how it feels unfair. Then, ask God to give you eyes to see the light of His hope. The faint flicker of something on the horizon. Keep looking for God to move. He is near.

Father God, life can be so hard. So often we do not understand, but You do. You promise to be near to us. It is hard to know that You are able to give us our heart’s desire, but You chose not to. Please comfort us that we may feel Your nearness and know Your love and joy. Please help our unbelief. Help us to trust You, knowing that You will not waste our tears. Give us eyes to see the hope of our salvation that You may be glorified. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

‍